You May Be Barking Up The Wrong Tree

Is the thought ‘My partner gets angry when I ask questions about their ex’ troubling you?

It may look concerning to you, but it has a simple solution that might surprise you.

Misunderstandings and arguments stemming from an ex are common in relationships. 

Out of curiosity or for general knowledge, you may ask your partner questions like ‘How did your ex look?’ ‘What kind of relationship did you two share?’ or ‘Why did you break up with them?’ But instead of answering them calmly, they might get mad at you.

Some signs of your partner getting mad when you ask them questions about their ex are:

• They hear you but choose to ignore your questions.
• They walk out of the room with a red face.
• They lash out at you and ask you not to ask such questions.

There may be many possible reasons behind their anger. They might not want to revisit their past, might not be comfortable talking to you about it, or might be afraid it could ruin your relationship.

Their anger might give rise to emotional and physical distance between you. They may be scared that you will ask such questions again, which might make them ignore you.

It’s natural to feel hurt when your partner gets mad at you. They may have chosen to answer your simple questions and be done with it. Instead, they decided to ignore you and become emotionally distant.

The problem here is that if this “spark” of misunderstanding isn’t watered down soon, it might take the form of full-blown fire in the relationship. 

So, how do you end your partner’s anger? The answer might surprise you!

To you, the problem may be your partner’s anger, but the issue lies elsewhere—It’s asking questions about potentially the most dangerous thing in a relationship—The Past!

Asking about past relationships in a relationship is always tricky. You may have asked the questions casually, but it’s possible that these questions did something brutal to your partner. It might have brought the ghosts of their past to life.

Maybe their past relationship was with a toxic person, the wounds of which haven’t yet healed fully. Maybe the breakup was painful, and it hurts them a lot to think about it. Perhaps they are scared of losing you like they lost their ex.

It’s nobody’s fault, but you should quit asking questions about your partner’s past.

This blog will show you how to do this in a few simple yet powerful steps. At the end of this blog, you will learn how to stop poking your partner with their past and save your relationship from any further damage.

Let’s begin!

My Partner Gets Angry When I Ask Questions About Their Ex—What To Do

Stop Asking Questions About Your Partner’s Past

If your partner gets angry when you ask questions about their ex, you must stop asking them immediately.

It means you should not only stop asking questions about their ex but also stop bringing up any topic related to them.

Even when talking about each other’s past, instead of asking “How did your ex hurt you?”, ask something like ‘What do you expect from me in this relationship?”

These simple tweaks to relationship conversations go a long way toward making your partner feel loved and cared for.

It not only prevents “digging up past graves,” which can “bring alive the ghosts of the past” for your partner and ruin the relationship, but also helps focus on the current relationship and working on it to make it more loving consistently.

Here is how you can stop asking questions about your partner’s ex.

Stop Being Casual About It

It may not be a big deal to you to talk about your ex with your partner. But it may not be the case for your partner. So, instead of being casual about it, be more careful. Avoid talking about your partner’s ex until they specifically want to talk about it.

Remember that it hurts your partner

If you genuinely love your partner, you will respect their choices. If they get angry when you talk about their ex, it’s one of the most significant signs they don’t want to talk about it. 

Apologise to your partner

You haven’t done anything very wrong, but an apology might be immensely helpful. What it will do is reduce your partner’s pain and assure them that you will not go there ever again. For you, too, it will be an added reminder not to ask questions about their ex in the future.

Remember that it hurts your relationship

Asking questions about your partner’s ex may be a double whammy to the relationship. It may not only distract from your relationship but also open the doors for your partner’s ex to enter your lives. What if it rekindles your partner’s feelings for their ex?

Thus, for the sake of the relationship, you must curb your curiosity about your partner’s ex.

Remember that it fuels the five negativities within you

When you ask questions about your partner’s ex, you subconsciously activate five negativities in your relationship: curiosity about your partner’s ex, jealousy, distrust or doubting your partner, insecurity, and self-doubt.

These five relationship negatives can sabotage your relationship. To keep the doors closed for them, choose to keep your partner’s ex out of your relationship in any possible way.

Replace questions about their ex with questions about you as a couple

If you wish to learn about how to keep your partner happy or make the relationship flourish, instead of learning it from your partner’s painful past, focus on what you can do better in the current relationship.

Discuss the issues ailing the relationship and how to meet each other’s needs. Honest and regular communication is all it takes to make a relationship successful. It doesn’t need you to go into each other’s past.

Ask for their help & support

If you are finding it difficult to avoid questions about your partner’s past, talk to them about it. Please explain what is bothering you or ask for a one-time clarification about their ex. If your concern is genuine, your partner will open up to you.

Consider counseling, if needed

Sometimes your insecurities stemming from a painful past may lead you to doubt your current relationship. If that’s what is making you ask questions about your partner’s past, you can see a relationship psychologist. Answering simple questions will help you release that trauma and rid your current relationship of any past negativity.

The biggest challenge in stopping the asking of questions about your partner’s ex will be overcoming your insecurity. Whenever you try to let it go, you might feel scared that your partner’s ex might steal them away from you.

In those testing times, you need to take a leap of faith and let that fear go. You need to remind yourself to TRUST your partner. The past is buried, and unless you dig it, nothing untoward can happen. Also, your partner loves you, which is why they are with you, not with their ex.

When these realisations become your belief, you will overcome the insecurity that you may be feeling right now.

When you let go of the insecurity and stop asking questions about your partner’s ex, it will make you feel calmer, more confident, and more like yourself. 

It would mean that you are no longer scared of the past, neither your own nor your partner’s. 

It would help you realise that your partner’s ex was never a threat to your relationship.

Leave Your Partner’s Past Where It Belongs

Being at the receiving end of your partner’s anger is never pleasant. You are not wrong to feel that they should have politely declined your request or calmly explained the reason. 

Thinking about their ex may be overwhelming for them. They do not want to get reminded of their past, which could ruin their present with you.

You must respect their decision and stop asking about their ex. If it was a playful or casual curiosity about your partner’s ex, you can stop it right away.

But if it was due to deep-seated negativity, like feeling insecure or having self-doubt, you must work on it. In the interest of your emotional health, your partner’s feelings, and the relationship itself, you must let your insecurities go. You have the option of asking your partner for support, too. You can also go for counseling if you feel the need. 

You must leave your partner’s past where it belongs. Remember: Digging up your partner’s past is the last thing that will help your relationship in the present or the future.