Unconditional Self Love vs. Transactional Self Love

‘How do you love yourself unconditionally?’ is an important question that often arises when one starts practicing self-love.

When you finally realize the need for self-love and decide to start loving yourself, you encounter another obstacle to truly loving yourself—conditional self-love. 

You may feel that you have now started loving yourself, but self-love isn’t self-love until it’s unconditional.

If you love yourself based on certain conditions or only in certain situations, it’s just “transactional self-love” and not true or unconditional self-love.

We put many conditions in our quest for self-love; for example, we love ourselves only when we are successful or get what we want from life. 

But we aren’t happy with ourselves and sometimes even blame ourselves when things don’t go our way.

But this isn’t self-love; it’s conditional self-love that doesn’t let you love yourself for who you are.

Until your self-love is unconditional, you won’t find true peace or happiness in life. 

Life would always feel demanding & burdensome, which would prevent you from moving ahead in life with confidence.

Thus, it’s essential to learn how to love yourself unconditionally.

How To Love Yourself Unconditionally

So, how do you love yourself unconditionally?

It’s simple: remove all the conditions you have put on self-love.

What are these conditions? 

Here are all the conditions you tend to put on self-love that you need to work on and eliminate.

When You Remember

The first condition you impose on self-love that prevents you from learning to love yourself unconditionally is ‘loving yourself only when you remember.’

We tend to love ourselves only when we recall the need to love ourselves.

Thus, we love ourselves if we are lucky enough to remember; if not, we deprive ourselves of self-love. 

Self-love is not something that you should remember to do. It’s not a task; it’s a way of life.

If you have to make an effort to love yourself, maybe you don’t love yourself at all, or you haven’t yet realized the importance of loving yourself.

When you decide to start loving yourself, you may initially “forget” to love yourself.

Thus, you must disconnect from all the other stuff for some time, at least mentally, and focus solely on developing or practicing self-love habits.

You need to absorb self-love within yourself and not “leak it out” by doing things that are against self-love. 

Practicing self-love this way for a reasonable amount of time would develop self-love for you.

When you truly start loving yourself, you will not have to remember that you need to love yourself.

You would then start loving yourself unconditionally.

Hence, removing this condition from self-love lets you know how to love yourself unconditionally.

When It’s Needed

The second condition you impose on self-love, the elimination of which takes you closer to learning how to love yourself unconditionally, is ‘loving yourself only when it’s needed.’

Many people take “refuge” in self-love only when they need it. 

For example, people show self-love when their survival is threatened by a disease or an accident.

It’s never too late to start loving yourself, but why wait till the situation becomes desperate? 

Why take a risk that can threaten your very existence?

If you always love yourself, desperate situations may not occur at all for you. 

Thus, stop waiting for emergencies and desperate situations to arise and start loving yourself unconditionally every moment.

Hence, removing this condition from self-love lets you know how to love yourself unconditionally.

If & When Time Allows

The third condition that you impose on self-love and the elimination of which takes you closer to learning to love yourself unconditionally is ‘loving yourself only if & when time allows.’

Many people stay busy in their personal and professional lives and complain that they don’t get the necessary time for self-love.

Loving yourself doesn’t need time. Either you love yourself at this moment, or you don’t. 

If you love yourself right now, you don’t need to be told what to prioritize. 

You would naturally do those things that enhance or maintain self-love within you first.

And even if you have a lot of work to do, you do all of them with self-love.

So, you are loving yourself every moment. 

Time is never and should not be a problem when practicing self-love.

Thus, eliminate this condition while loving yourself, and you will be closer to unlocking unconditional self-love.

Hence, removing this condition from self-love lets you know how to love yourself unconditionally.

When The Workload Recedes

Another condition that you impose on self-love and the elimination of which takes you closer to learning how to love yourself unconditionally is ‘loving yourself only when the workload recedes.’

Even when people have time for self-love, some are in the habit of piling up work one after the other.

In the process, they never find the opportunity for self-love or related activities.

They wait for this workload to recede to love themselves, which never happens. 

It must be understood that the habit of doing work continuously is a sign of you not being in love with yourself.

Being a workaholic not only hurts your relationships with others but also reduces your self-love to a minimum. 

Workaholism doesn’t let you take care of yourself or do things you love. It ruins your life and destroys your self-love bit by bit.

Thus, unless you stop being a workaholic, you won’t ever be able to break free from the unending cycle of tasks and, hence, will never be able to love yourself unconditionally.

Take a moment to relax and do things to develop self-love within yourself and in your life.

It will make you realize that you were only trying to substitute work for self-love. 

When self-love develops within you and your life, you will not have to wait for the workload to recede to love yourself.

Giving up workaholism would make your self-love more unconditional, taking you closer to true self-love.

Hence, removing this condition from self-love lets you know how to love yourself unconditionally.

When You Feel Good or Happy

The next condition that you impose on self-love and the elimination of which takes you closer to learning how to love yourself unconditionally is ‘loving yourself only when you feel good or happy.’

Some people can only love themselves when they feel light and bright.

It’s easy to do and good for starters, but eventually, you must learn to love yourself even during challenging moments or when feeling down.

After all, you need self-love more when you are sad than when you are happy. 

When you become capable of loving yourself while you are sad, it might lift your mood instantly.

In the process, it will make your self-love unconditional. 

Hence, removing this condition from self-love lets you know how to love yourself unconditionally.

When You Are Loved By Others

The next condition that you impose on self-love and the elimination of which takes you closer to learning how to love yourself unconditionally is ‘loving yourself only when you are loved by others’.

We wait for love from others as an approval to love ourselves. 

And if others don’t love us, betray us, or leave us, we feel we aren’t worthy of love or self-love.

If people love you, it’s a great gift. 

But if they choose not to, it’s not your fault.

It’s either their compulsion or their weakness.

So, let it go!

Your ability to love yourself has nothing to do with whether others love you or not.

It should be the other way around. 

If others don’t love you, you should love yourself even more to compensate for their love. 

And if you love yourself, others will follow you.

Love attracts love, right?

So, do not wait for others to love you. Don’t let it prevent you from loving yourself. 

Use it as a way to attract love from the world.

This would make your self-love increasingly unconditional. 

Hence, removing this condition from self-love lets you know how to love yourself unconditionally.

When You Are Free of All Weaknesses

The next condition that you impose on self-love and the elimination of which takes you closer to learning how to love yourself unconditionally is ‘loving yourself only when you are free of all weaknesses.’

Some people wait to become perfect before they can love themselves.

It’s a condition that won’t ever get fulfilled. 

Hence, they would never be able to love themselves.

People don’t like to have weaknesses. 

They keep waiting for their weaknesses to vanish or working towards removing them limitlessly.

And in the process, they never allow themselves to be capable of self-love. 

Everybody has weaknesses. 

Some people are better at clarity of their thoughts, while some are better at public speaking. 

Weaknesses are what make us human. 

They will continue to be there in us. 

No matter how hard you try, weakness will remain within you.

You can work on more important ones and go on with your life.

Having weaknesses doesn’t mean we delay loving ourselves. 

It simply means that we love ourselves more so that we can work on our weaknesses and, hence, remove them.

Thus, do not place the condition of becoming perfect on your self-love. 

Remember, everybody is capable of loving someone “perfect.” 

A person who loves himself despite all his weaknesses can strive towards perfection.

Hence, removing this condition from self-love lets you know how to love yourself unconditionally.

If You Don’t Have Any Past Trauma

The next condition that you impose on self- love and the elimination of which takes you closer to learning how to love yourself unconditionally is ‘loving yourself only if you don’t have any past trauma’.

Pasts are generally difficult. 

Everyone suffers from some kind of trauma in their past. Either they went through an abusive past or some kind of personal loss.

But only a few people come out of their traumatic past and get healed fully.

Others keep fighting their traumas and forget to love themselves. 

They live with the condition that they will start loving themselves only when they get healed fully.

Healing is a long and time-consuming process. 

But its first step is always realizing that whatever happened to you wasn’t your fault. 

This realisation can open the doors to self love which itself can go a long way in the process of getting healed.

Thus, to love yourself, do not wait to come out of your trauma. 

See that the traumatic incident you faced wasn’t your fault and start loving yourself unconditionally once again.

Hence, removing this condition from self love lets you know how to love yourself unconditionally.

When You Are At Total Peace

The next condition that you impose on self love and the elimination of which takes you closer to learning how to love yourself unconditionally is ‘loving yourself only when you are at total peace’.

Many people complain about the chattering mind. 

They want it to stop.

According to them, the chattering mind says things that are against them which is why they aren’t able to love themselves. 

Waiting for complete peace or a silent mind is a myth. 

The mind will keep generating thoughts till you are alive.

The important thing is to think about why it’s against you and remove this underlying reason. 

It is said that the inner self knows everything and you should listen to it.

The inner self tells you every wrong step that you take. 

Just listen to your inner wiser self and do only things that it permits you to do.

If you are getting angry too often, your mind will alert you against it in the form of anxiety.

You should read these messages your inner self sends you, and thus, you should give up your anger.

When you follow the right path, the thoughts your mind generates will be in your favor, and you will feel like you are at complete inner peace.

At this point, you won’t have to put any condition on loving yourself and will be able to love yourself unconditionally.

Hence, removing this condition from self-love lets you know how to love yourself unconditionally.

When You Are Healthy

The next condition that you impose on self love and the elimination of which takes you closer to learning how to love yourself unconditionally is ‘loving yourself only when you are healthy’.

When you are sick, it isn’t easy to love yourself. 

You neither have the energy nor a reason to love yourself. 

But in such a situation, you need to love yourself more than anything else in the world. 

To come out of an illness demands a lot from you. 

It’s as if the illness asks you to love yourself more and take care of yourself better.

Self-love might seem daunting when you are sick, but it is the first step to becoming healthy again.

Only when you love yourself will you be self-compassionate. 

Only when you become self-compassionate will you take your medicines on time and follow the necessary routine to stay healthy.

Thus, do not put the condition that you will love yourself when you are healthy again. 

Instead, love yourself to get healthy fast.

Apart from getting you healthy again, it will also teach you to love yourself unconditionally.

Hence, removing this condition from self-love lets you know how to love yourself unconditionally.

When The Going is Easy

The next condition that you impose on self love and the elimination of which takes you closer to learning how to love yourself unconditionally is ‘loving yourself only when the going is easy’.

Life confronts you with challenges continuously. 

Some people get busy fighting and overcoming these challenges, so much so that they forget to keep loving themselves. 

They can only love themselves when they aren’t faced with daunting challenges.

But they forget that self-love is your soul, especially when you are trying to overcome big challenges in life.

Self-love helps you overcome challenges effortlessly. 

It ensures you come out of them unscathed and unscarred. 

It gives you simple solutions and makes their execution extremely easy. 

For example, whatever the size of the challenge, self-love allows you to stay calm, which gives you quick and wise solutions that you can then execute to perfection.

Thus, remember to love yourself when faced with the different challenges in life. 

It will help you overcome it quickly and make your self-love more unconditional.  

Hence, removing this condition from self-love lets you know how to love yourself unconditionally.

When You Get What You Want

The next condition that you impose on self love and the elimination of which takes you closer to learning how to love yourself unconditionally is ‘loving yourself only when you get what you want’.

Human beings are a garland of aspirations. 

This garland can keep growing endlessly.

Everybody wants many things in life. 

They want peace, a loving partner, a well-paying job, a luxurious life, happiness, and so on.

In trying to achieve these goals, we forget to love ourselves. 

We wait for all our longings to come good before we can start loving ourselves. 

But longings & aspirations have no end. 

What we want can go on infinitely till we are alive. 

Thus, the moment we place this condition on our self-love, we give it up.

Self-love is the seed from which the tree of your life can germinate. 

And this tree will then give you your aspirations through its fruits. 

Thus, to love yourself, don’t wait to get everything you want from life. 

Instead, love yourself; you will get everything you want and more from life.

Loving yourself when you don’t have anything will make self-love unconditional, which is the foundation of getting everything you want from life.

Hence, removing this condition from self-love lets you know how to love yourself unconditionally.

When You Are Successful

The last condition that you impose on self love and the elimination of which takes you closer to learning how to love yourself unconditionally is ‘loving yourself only when you are successful’.

Many people wait until they are wealthy, successful, and powerful to start loving themselves. 

The majority of these people don’t become successful because the basic ingredient of success, self-love, is missing from the process.

And the people who “succeed” are deprived of self-love for the rest of their lives.

Only when you love yourself during your failures, do you become worthy of success, which is made meaningful by the capability to love yourself.

This kind of success doesn’t prevent you from loving yourself but allows you to love yourself increasingly. 

Even if you fail, self-love ensures that you will achieve something even better than what you would have achieved after success.

Sometimes, a “failure” means that you can pursue your passion rather than blindly pursue “success.”

This means that failure with self-love is better than success without self-love.

Thus, don’t impose your self-love on the condition of success.

It will make you meaningfully successful and make your self-love truly and completely unconditional. 

Hence, removing this condition from self-love lets you know how to love yourself unconditionally.

Unleash Unconditional Self Love

Figuring out how to love yourself unconditionally isn’t that difficult.

Placing conditions on self-love either prevents you from experiencing it altogether or gives you self-love that is below-par or incomplete.

In such a situation, even victory can feel like a loss, as your success would be devoid of its essence.

Only unconditional self-love can give you the ability to achieve limitless success peacefully, effortlessly, and meaningfully.

This can be made possible only when you unleash infinite self-love by eliminating all the conditions you have imposed on yourself. 

So, turn the knowledge of how to love yourself unconditionally into action and start loving yourself unconditionally.