The Comparison Is More Harmful Than It Looks

Does the thought – ‘My boyfriend compares me to his ex when we fight’ pain you?

What if your boyfriend stopped comparing you to his ex and started thinking of you as their soulmate?

It may seem difficult right now, but trust me, we will get there!

Issues in a relationship are normal, but when your boyfriend starts comparing you to his ex in a fight, it’s more than just hurtful. You feel judged, disrespected, and trivialised, all at the same time. It feels so unfair that you don’t know how to react, and emotions rush out—shock, disappointment, and anger.

When it happens repeatedly, your trust begins to shake, and you wonder if he even wants to be with you anymore.

A fight is already draining and overwhelming. When your boyfriend tries to put pressure on you by bringing in his ex, it only complicates the situation further. 

Saying something so insensitive might scar you mentally and cause irreparable damage to the relationship. You might leave the argument with an unexpected, much worse outcome.

Thus, you need to act smartly and ensure that your boyfriend’s immaturity doesn’t harm the relationship.

This blog will help you overcome your boyfriend’s hurtful words and act wisely to save your relationship. We will first look at why your boyfriend might compare you to his ex during a fight. When we understand the issue well enough, we will see how you can deal with it smartly.

Let’s begin.

Why Your Boyfriend May Compare You To Their Ex

He Is Still Not Over His Ex

If your boyfriend compares you to his ex in a fight, it may be because he is still not over her.

Past relationships are not easy to forget, especially when they were good. Whenever you fight with your current partner, it feels like your past was much better. You keep comparing the two relationships, only to dent the present one, even if it’s actually much better than the past one.

Even in everyday situations, he would talk about her a lot. He will say things like how beautiful, caring, or intelligent she was. He may even take her side when someone criticises her. When you frown, they may notice and compliment you, or change the subject. 

The most significant sign is if he still has her number in his phone, is still in “good terms” with her, or constantly stalks her on social media. 

All this tells you just one thing—even though he is committed to you, he still isn’t over his ex entirely.

The fact that your partner is still not over his ex might make you feel insecure. It might feel like he will leave you and get back with his ex soon. And you are not wrong to have these fears. 

But the other possible side of the story is that he may not. The good news? You are the one your boyfriend is currently with! It means you can use the favourable situation to your advantage. 

What you should do is have an honest talk about it. But remember: instead of asking whether your boyfriend is still in love with his ex, ask whether he still loves you. It will keep the focus on you and bring the answer in your favour. 

Another important thing is that even if they get back with their ex, it’s not a bad thing for you. Being with someone who loves someone else is like deliberate torture to yourself. You don’t need to go through it. 

It may be painful to accept at first, but eventually you will find your right match.

He Has A Habit of Making Comparisons

When your boyfriend compares you to his ex in a fight, it may be because of his habit of making comparisons.

The habit of comparing things usually develops during childhood. People learn it from their parents or as a natural way of looking at things. 

By the time they grow up, they start comparing everything they come in contact with, including people and relationships.

But comparisons may also become your way if you are too competitive or strictly want better things in life. You may notice that your friend’s girlfriend is more supportive than your partner, which might remind you of your ex, who you feel was more supportive.

It’s not wrong to long for better things, but when you become obsessed with it, it becomes counterproductive, especially in relationships. You begin comparing people and analysing who is “better” for you, which might hurt people close to you.

Being too attached to goals can also give you the habit of making comparisons. When you want something specific from your relationships, you might compare your current partner to your ex. For example, you may feel your ex was more caring than your current partner.

If your boyfriend has a habit of making comparisons, it will show in various aspects of the relationship. He will not only compare you with his ex during a fight, but also use comparisons to keep you on your toes constantly.

He may ask you to look more beautiful than his friend’s girlfriend, give him the same level of space his friends enjoy in their relationships, or get intimate as often as his friends do with their partners.

These relationship expectations may be valid, but when they rest on comparisons, they may start to feel unnecessary and burdensome. Instead of treating the relationship as unique and letting it find its own way, comparisons create unnecessary pressure to weigh it down.

The relationship starts experiencing frequent arguments and fights, and your boyfriend starts comparing you with their ex even more harshly.

When your boyfriend is in the habit of comparing every single thing you do, it can feel overwhelming. 

You may feel judged all the time. It may feel that you can do nothing right, which might make you feel ‘not enough’ or even worthless. You may reach a stage where you start judging yourself even when your boyfriend isn’t around. 

It has to stop.

Your boyfriend’s habit of making comparisons doesn’t say anything about your capability or worth. It only means he needs to change his attitude and habits. 

Stop succumbing to the pressure and believing in all the comparisons he makes. 

Remember: Only when you detach yourself from his unreasonable and harsh comparisons will you be able to change his habit by talking to him about it.

He Wants To Hurt You

If your boyfriend deliberately wants to hurt you, he may compare you to his ex in a fight.

Relationships are all about love and care, but sometimes they may also become battlefields. Your partner may try to hurt you to “settle scores,” to win a difficult argument, or simply because you are in a toxic relationship. They may try to use every possible “tool” to hurt you emotionally, including comparing you to their ex to make you feel small and worthless.

If your partner tends to hurt you, they may do so at various times. They may not give you adequate attention, appreciate you, or make you feel supported. It may look like they are struggling to be a good partner, but in reality, what they might be doing is deliberately hurting you.

Knowing that your partner tries to hurt you deliberately may shock you at first. You do not expect someone you crave love from to harm you in any way. 

But the fact that they want to hurt you doesn’t mean you deserve such treatment. If you hurt them unknowingly in any way, they should talk to you about it and not try to get back at you. 

The mature thing for you to do here is to talk to them about it first. If the deliberate harm doesn’t stop, you must end the relationship to protect your dignity and inner peace.

Remember: Relationships are supposed to make you feel good about yourself. If you are made to feel the opposite, you must take a call on the relationship at the earliest.

He Wants To Break Up With You

When your boyfriend compares you to their ex in a fight, it could also mean they want to part ways with you.

When your partner wants to break up with you, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are behind it. 

They may want to break up because they don’t like being in a relationship, aren’t ready to shoulder the responsibility of one, or simply because you are not compatible as a couple. 

It may be more about the dynamics of the relationship than about you or your credentials as a partner.

But why doesn’t he say directly if he wants to break up?

Sometimes, when a person finds it difficult to talk directly about breaking up with you, they may give indirect signs like comparing you to their ex. They expect you to get angry and break the relationship yourself. This way, they will achieve what they want without taking the blame for the breakup.

If your boyfriend wants to break up with you, they may show signs other than just comparing you with their ex in a fight. 

They may start avoiding you or prefer spending time alone or with a friend rather than with you. Their behaviour may begin to feel forced or formal rather than frank and warm. 

You would start to notice that he is gradually increasing the mental and emotional distance between you.

Sensing that your partner wants to break up with you is never pleasant. It not only makes you feel lonely in the relationship but also raises self-doubt. You may begin to question yourself whether you have been a good partner. 

But the truth is that sometimes your partner’s decision to break up with you has nothing to do with you. They may have unresolved past issues that make them incapable of being in a long-term relationship. 

The best you can do here is to accept the situation and understand that it wasn’t meant to be. Move forward gracefully with hope in your heart to meet the special someone who will be the right one for you. 

My Boyfriend Compares Me To His Ex When We Fight – What To Do?

Do Not Feel Bad

When your boyfriend compares you to his ex in a fight, the first thing you should do is not to feel bad about it.

There is no doubt that being compared to your boyfriend’s ex is both disrespectful and painful. But feeling bad before understanding the situation may make things worse. 

Your boyfriend may be going through a lot of pain himself. If he is, compassion, and not blame, should be your answer. Empathy and love may help him reclaim his usual self.

But if you feel bad and in the heat of the moment, get angry, and start complaining, it may complicate the argument, turning it into a bigger fight.

You may even try something similar out of revenge, which could harm the relationship.

Even if you do not react after feeling bad, the discontent will only simmer and adversely affect your mental health. It may surface in subtle ways, negatively affecting the relationship.

Thus, the best thing to do is not to feel bad when your boyfriend compares you to his ex in a fight.

But saying is easier than actually controlling your emotions in the moment of truth. 

The key lies in changing your perspective!

Instead of looking at your boyfriend’s words as a “personal attack,” look at them as “ignorance” or “a moment of weakness.” What it will do is take the sting out of their words and allow instant forgiveness. You would know that your boyfriend doesn’t mean what they are saying.

You will not feel bad, but you will feel compassionate towards your partner.

Making this small change will teach you to keep your composure in emotionally charged situations in a relationship. It will increase your emotional intelligence, self-confidence, and clarity regarding other similar relationship situations.

It will also earn you your partner’s respect and probably make them realise their mistake and apologise to you later. 

Did you notice how a little shift in perspective can help you stay calm and make a whole lot of difference?

When you have learned to manage your emotions, more than half the job is already done. You will now be able to look at things clearly and do the right thing.

Talk To Them

When your boyfriend compares you to his ex, you must have an honest conversation with him about it.

An open conversation has the power to bridge any gap created by misunderstandings in a relationship. By talking about the issue, you can get to the bottom of it and find a way to overcome it. Thus, instead of arguing about it, prepare yourself to open yourself up to your boyfriend.

When your boyfriend compares you to his ex in a fight, you need to make them know how you feel about it.

The most critical question you need to ask them is whether they still want to be with you. 

If he does, tell him how hurt and pained you feel when he compares you to his ex. 

Remind them of the importance of drawing boundaries and keeping their previous relationships out of the current one. 

Explain to them how it damages the relationship and how it threatens the future. 

Request them to stop and offer help if needed. Also, remind them of the option of taking expert help or therapy.

While talking to him, remember not to sound complaining. When your voice reaches his heart, a positive change will happen.

Talking to your boyfriend will not only bring positive results, but it will also help you practice the art of communication in relationships. 

It will help you protect your inner peace and express your needs peacefully in the relationship.

Instead of feeling small in the face of comparisons, it will make you feel skilful and worthy of a strong relationship.

If They Continue Hurting You, Let Them Go

If your boyfriend doesn’t stop comparing you to his ex, you must walk away from the relationship.

When you have kept your cool and poured your heart out about how you feel about being compared to your boyfriend’s ex, but without any positive change in him, you don’t have any option left. 

Constantly going through unreasonable and brutal comparisons might overwhelm you and, over time, endanger your self-esteem. 

Moving on will not only help you preserve your dignity and individuality but will also open the doors to finding someone who respects you for who you are.

Remember: It’s not your responsibility to bear the burden of your boyfriend’s past. Even if you love him, you can only give them a chance and offer them help to overcome his past. If he doesn’t take it, you are free to move ahead without him.

It will protect you from a relationship that could have turned toxic in the near future, which will save you a lot of trouble and trauma. Instead of spending a lot of time healing, you can utilise it by investing it in personal growth.

Self-Compassion Must Be Your Priority

Being compared to your boyfriend’s ex in a fight is a triple blow. First, it’s an attack on your uniqueness and self-confidence. Second, it’s a threat to your relationship’s future. And finally, it’s like salt being rubbed on one’s wound, the wound being the fight itself.

Thus, you are already going through a lot.

But you cannot let these challenges block your ability to see things clearly. What you need to do is stay calm and communicate your feelings effectively to your partner. 

You must tell him that fights happen in every relationship, but they should not threaten the relationship itself by making unfair comparisons or bringing up their past relationships.

If it’s something that can be rectified, you will see a positive change in your boyfriend soon. If they need your or any expert help, be supportive.

But if he doesn’t stop the comparisons or the situation seems to be getting worse, you have to protect yourself. You must gather the strength and determination to walk away before it’s too late. 

Remember: Your uniqueness, inner peace, and dignity are more important than any relationship. When love seems to be receding in a relationship, it’s time to raise the self-love and do the needful.