Are you struggling to love yourself and wondering, “How can someone love me if I don’t love myself?”
If yes, forget about loving yourself or finding love for a moment and ponder a critical issue.
It’s OK if you haven’t yet found self-love or love in your life, but it’s not OK for you to impose yourself with the harm of asking the above question.
How Thinking “How can someone love me if I don’t love myself?” Harms You
1. It reminds you that you don’t love yourself and strengthens that feeling within you.
2. It puts undue pressure on your self-love to bring love into your life.
3. It makes you judge yourself harshly and punish yourself by shutting out the possibility of love in your life.
4. It makes love conditional and hence a difficult possibility in your life.
5. It subconsciously tells you that you do not deserve love.
6. It develops an unscientific logic that might make you drive away genuine love.
If you haven’t yet found self-love or love, you will find it sooner or later. But if you harbour the wrong beliefs, you risk self-love and love not happening to you at all!
In this blog, I will give you some pressing reasons to let go of the mistaken belief “How can someone love me if I don’t love myself?”
I will tell you why someone might love you even if you don’t love yourself yet.
We will also explore how we can invite true love into our lives, even though we haven’t yet fallen in love with ourselves.
Before we reach there, let me ask you an important question.
Why Is Love So Important for Us?
We need oxygen to stay alive, but staying alive isn’t enough for humans. We also need a strong reason to live, and love serves as that reason.
Love gives meaning to our lives and makes them complete by making us feel wanted and special.
It is our pillar of hope during challenges and our motivation to pursue and fulfil all our dreams.
Thus, it won’t be wrong to say that love is the “next oxygen” for human beings.
Why Self-Love Is the Most Empowering Love of All?
When it comes to love, self-love is the best kind of love one can have!
Why? Well, there are many reasons.
You Control Self-Love
Self-love is self-generated and totally within your control, which means you can generate it at will, in any amount, whenever you want. It’s the only guaranteed love you can always bank on!
Self-Love is Natural To You
Self-love is naturally ingrained within us. Only because you have self-love are you alive in this moment.
Self-Love is Unconditional
Self-love comes without any conditions, expectations, or demands from yourself. You keep fighting without giving up, despite all the challenges life throws you.
Self-Love Sets Your Behaviour- With Self Benchmark
Our self-love sets the standard for how people should treat us. When we love ourselves and treat ourselves with kindness, people must think many times before disrespecting us.
Self-Love Makes You Emotionally Resilient
Self-love also allows you to bounce back from criticisms, rejection, and failures. In short, self-love makes you emotionally resilient and mentally stronger.
Self-Love is Irreplaceable
You can also measure the importance of self-love from the fact that no amount of external love can make up for your self-worth that comes only from loving yourself.
In addition to the above reasons, self-love makes self-improvement a constant process in your life, which includes finding inner peace and making better choices.
All these reasons together make self-love the king among all kinds of love.
Unfortunately, self-love doesn’t come easy for most people. Many find life pointless, battle with low self-esteem, or find it difficult to do things we like or that bring us happiness.
Why Is Self-Love So Hard for Many of Us?
Have you ever thought about why self-love is so hard for some people?
Here is why one may find it hard to love oneself.
Early Conditioning
Most people who struggle with self-love get conditioned that way early. They are criticized, hated, or abused, making them feel they aren’t worthy of love.
Unfair Comparisons
We live in a world full of constant and unfair comparisons. We are compared to others regarding our appearance, relationships, and success. It makes us feel we are not good enough and can never be.
Shame & Guilt
Many people feel shame about past mistakes, failures, or trauma. This shame can prevent them from developing self-love, especially when the people around them aren’t compassionate.
Low Self-Esteem
When people are trivialised or made to feel small for a very long time, a sense of inferiority creeps into our minds. We might cease seeing our value or strengths and start believing we aren’t worthy of love.
Perfectionism
When we attach our worth to our achievements, we subconsciously judge ourselves harshly and miss the opportunity to love ourselves.
Fear of Becoming Selfish
Self-love is also often negatively marketed. Many people believe that loving oneself amounts to being selfish, arrogant, or narcissistic, and this misplaced belief leads them to reject self-love altogether.
Mental Health Struggles
Mental health issues can distort how you feel about yourself. Anxiety or stress may make you feel bad about yourself, hence nudging you into low self-worth or even self-hatred.
Ignorance
Many people are simply unaware of the concept of self-love or that they need it. Some also believe self-love is something only for the rich or sophisticated people who have time, access, and “affordability.”
Due to these reasons, many people live a life without self-love.
Can Love from Others Replace Self-Love?
People who lack self-love need to find a good substitute. What option do we have in the absence of self-love?
We have the option of finding “external” love.
But can someone else’s love replace self-love?
Love may not be able to replace self-love perfectly, but it’s the next best choice.
Thus, when you lack self-love, your partner may be your only reliable source of essential love. They will make you feel worthy of love and teach you how to love yourself, fueling self-love.
Why Someone Can Love You Even If You Don’t Love Yourself
Although love can temporarily replace self-love, an even more critical question is whether anyone will love you when you lack self-love.
And the answer is—yes, it’s certainly possible to find a loving partner when you do not know how to love yourself because of the ‘Fixed Love Quota’ principle of life and two additional reasons.
The ‘Fixed Love Quota’ Principle of Life
There is a specific quota of love for every human being in their lives. If someone is low on self-love, love fills in to complete the quota, and vice versa.
Thus, if you lack self-love, you can attract lots of love into your life. The reason behind this principle is that when we don’t love ourselves enough, we reserve all our love for others. This makes us a loving personality who is sweet, kind, and generous to others, attracting true love and loads of love into one’s life.
If you have self-love in just the right amount, it will also attract love. You appear “attractive” to others because of the happiness and glow on your face and your “cool” attitude and lifestyle, which are attached to self-love.
But if you have too much of self-love, you may turn into a narcissist who repels people away. In this case, the full quota of your love is being filled by your self-love, which leaves no space for external love. It is what makes narcissists lonely and sad in their lives.
Thus, unless you are a narcissist, you have a very good chance of attracting true love into your life, irrespective of whether you love yourself or not.
Now, let’s look at the two reasons.
Lack of Self-Love In Your Partner
If your partner hasn’t found self-love, they might be looking for someone with whom they can share their love (just like you).
Together, you will make the perfect couple, filling each other’s void of self-love to make each other complete! And you must consider yourself very lucky to have found your soulmate!!
Your Partner is Full of Self-Love
If your partner is overflowing with self-love, they would be willing to share the “extra” love they have within them with you. In this case, you must consider yourself even luckier as you found a Godsend to teach you how to love!
There is another significant reason someone may love you when you lack self-love. It’s because you are the sweetest person they have met till now! They are drawn to your authenticity even though you exhibit vulnerability.
Such people are intuitive, who see your worth before you do and then make you realise it. They connect with you on a deeper level (with your soul) to love you while you heal. They mirror just the love you were looking for within yourself and make you realise that you are more special than what you currently feel!
If you lack self-love, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person. An absence of self-love within oneself mostly makes a person gentle, loving, and caring. They are considerate, respectful, and full of gratitude towards others. And these human values create a greater chance of attracting true love into their lives.
So, if you lack self-love in your life (or are still healing), you can still consciously invite true love by doing certain things.
Ways to Attract Love Even When You Struggle with Self-Love
It might feel uncomfortable, but stay open to receiving love!
You may feel undeserving of love, but acknowledge it and be grateful if someone is kind to you.
Challenge the belief that you need to be perfect to be loved!
Love doesn’t happen when you are perfect, but when you are open about your vulnerability. So, remind yourself, “I don’t have to be fully healed to be worthy of love.”
Surround yourself with emotionally safe and supportive people!
People who are kind, patient, and nonjudgmental are also compassionate. Being around such people makes you feel worthy of love, which is when the magic of love happens!
Be kind to yourself even if you aren’t there yet!
Kindness is a human art that connects you deeply with your true self and others. So, practice affirmations or self-compassion phrases like “I am learning to accept myself” and “ I am learning to be kind to myself.”
Be honest about your struggles (when you feel safe to)!
When you tell somebody, “I am still learning to love myself,” it doesn’t generate pity but understanding and respect in the other person’s mind. This is because vulnerability is a great strength that deepens human connection.
Engage in relationships that encourage growth, not dependence!
Look for people who support you and genuinely want you to grow, not those who make you dependent on them. Choose people willing to walk with you without trying to “fix” you.
Practice loving people without any expectations in return!
Learn to love freely with a view to ‘share’ and not ‘need’ love. When you share your love, you become kinder, and the doors to love start opening.
Doing these simple yet powerful things will make subtle changes in you, inviting true love into your life even when you do not love yourself yet.
But you must also be careful enough, as love without self-love also brings certain risks.
Risks of Being Loved When You Don’t Love Yourself
Pity-Love
When you don’t love yourself, the love you attract may not be genuine but “pity-love.” The other person may be attracted to you because they feel bad for you. Such a relationship cannot help you grow; it is more likely to reduce your self-esteem further.
Fake Love
The next threat is ‘fake love.’ When you don’t love yourself, you may attract a partner who pretends to be in love with you only to use you for the wrong reasons, leading to a toxic relationship.
They might use you for money, sex, or just convenience. Such people try to benefit from other people’s vulnerability and leave you when their motive gets fulfilled or exposed.
Gaslighting
You may feel insecure in a relationship when you don’t love yourself yet. It’s possible that the person you choose as your partner takes advantage of these insecurities by gaslighting, manipulating, or trying to control you. They may also use your self-doubt against you by saying things like – “You are lucky to have me,” or “No one will love you like I do.”
When you do not love yourself yet, you face threats from not only your partner but also yourself. Being in a fragile state yourself might make it hard to hold onto love. You may constantly doubt a perfectly genuine partner or relationship, pulling you into silly arguments or fights. To avoid this, you must always remember that in the absence of self-love, your expectations become higher than normal in a relationship.
Love in the absence and the presence of self-love are completely different ballgames altogether.
Here are some subtle differences between the two.
Love With vs. Without Self-Love: How It Changes Your Relationship
As you now know, love is more prone to misunderstandings, arguments, and fights without self-love within you. The relationship is on thinner ice and needs greater and constant attention & care.
Final Thoughts: Your Journey Toward Self-Love Matters Most
The bottom line is that it’s completely possible to find true love when you lack self-love, but the relationship comes with caveats.
You must ensure your partner truly loves you and isn’t with you for the wrong reasons. Next, you must ensure that you do not sabotage the relationship in any possible way, as you currently lack self-love.
Last, be mindful of the differences between love in the absence and in the presence of self-love. It will help you understand the truth of your relationship better, hence helping you keep it going till you start loving yourself.
Finally, it’s essential to realise that you are lucky to have a loving partner even though you do not love yourself yet. But to move from being lucky to becoming deserving and a keeper of true love, you need to inculcate the habit of self-love within yourself.
When you develop unconditional self-love in your life, your relationship will no longer feel threatened by challenges or uncertainties. It will grow on the two strong pillars of love and self-love to help it reach great heights!
