Do you often argue with your partner and wonder, “Is it normal to argue in a relationship every week?”
It’s a valid question and an important one, too.
Getting a good answer to this question can help you gain clarity about your relationship, helping it move forward confidently.
It can also help detect incompatibility, allowing you to take an early call on your relationship before you get emotionally glued to your partner.
In this article, I will explain the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy argument, why they are good and bad for your relationship, and what you should do in the case of a regular unhealthy argument.
I will also discuss the upper and lower limits of healthy and unhealthy arguments in a week. This will help us determine whether it is normal to argue in a relationship every week.
After reading this article, you will be much clearer regarding arguments in your relationship.
Let’s begin by understanding what a healthy argument is.
What is A Healthy Argument?
Simply put, a healthy argument is a discussion that grows your relationship. It is not a heated debate but can be an intense exchange of ideas or feelings. Such discussions do not take much time or energy from the partners and finish quickly and on a satisfactory note. For example, debates concerning the need to draw healthy boundaries.
You need regular, healthy arguments in a relationship to take it forward. In a week, you and your partner should have at least one healthy argument. One healthy argument each week adds to the quality time together and shows that both partners care about each other and the relationship.
But this number should not cross 5. Over five healthy arguments a week go into the “bad zone.” It signifies frequent disagreements and possible compatibility issues between partners, placing them in an unhealthy argumentative zone.
Here is why you need a healthy argument every week in a relationship.
Benefits of Regular Healthy Arguments In A Relationship
Strengthening Communication
Engaging in weekly planned healthy arguments can create a positive ritual of exchanging ideas and sharing feelings.
Strong communication can build a solid foundation for the relationship.
Conflict Resolution
When you resolve conflicts via healthy arguments, the relationship grows effortlessly.
The relationships that learn to solve challenges peacefully and constructively are the ones that go a long way.
Understanding Each Other
Healthy arguments between partners help them understand each other and their needs and aspirations.
Thus, it can reduce conflicts, bring clarity, and strengthen the bond.
Emotional Availability
Healthy arguments in a relationship are often about how the partners feel or want to be treated.
It thus ensures emotional availability, understanding, and care for one another.
Drawing Relationship Rules & Positive Boundaries
Healthy arguments in a relationship are also about chalking out some essential ground rules.
It informs partners on what they should or shouldn’t do, thereby bringing accountability and stability in the relationship.
Positive boundaries help a relationship grow healthily, which can happen only after healthy arguments between partners.
Developing Respect For Each Other
Healthy arguments over time ensure partners develop a deep sense of mutual respect.
They learn not to shout or speak over each other and to present their opinions in a kind, sensitive, and respectful manner.
What is An Unhealthy Argument?
Now, look at the other side of the picture: An unhealthy argument.
An unhealthy argument takes the relationship in the wrong direction. It is the seed of complaints, fights, and future toxicity in the relationship. They may also be a sign of incompatibility between partners. These arguments are heated, loud, and ugly, draining partners of their inner peace, time, and energy.
Mostly, these arguments are not about improving the relationship, but rather about petty, selfish wants or aspirations. They end in frustration for both partners, which makes them emotionally distant, thereby bringing the relationship closer to a breakup.
A good example of an unhealthy argument in a relationship is “The Blame Game,” where one partner has the view – “You never listen to me,” while the other thinks – “You always keep complaining.” Such an argument goes nowhere but makes the relationship weaker. It’s a negative use of communication in a relationship that can tear it apart.
However, unhealthy arguments are also necessary in a relationship. They help establish healthy individual boundaries, allowing partners to feel safe. So, one unhealthy argument a week is fine, provided the partners realize their mistake and apologize to each other, making things normal or even better than before.
More than one unhealthy argument a week can put a relationship in the toxic zone within months. Thus, a relationship should not have more than one unhealthy argument in a week or two.
Here is what consistent unhealthy arguments do to a relationship.
Repercussions of Unhealthy Arguments In A Relationship
Spoils Mood of Both Partners
Unhealthy arguments between partners aren’t just a power tussle. It also frustrates and gives them unnecessary anxiety and stress.
Wastes Time & Energy
The time spent in unhealthy arguments could have been positively invested in productive activities like drawing positive boundaries for the relationship.
Makes Them Disrespectful Of Each Other
The heated exchanges of words between partners in an unhealthy argument kills the respect factor in the relationship.
Mutual respect is an important pillar of a relationship, and hurting it weakens the relationship in a big, irreversible way.
Makes Partners Selfish
Unhealthy arguments often involve fulfilling unreasonable personal aspirations. Even if these aspirations are fulfilled, the relationship suffers, making these “victories” useless.
Threatens The Relationship
Constant or regular unhealthy arguments between partners take them closer to a painful breakup.
The more such arguments take place, the more distant the partners become.
If the breakup happens, it’s a sad end to a promising relationship ruined by misunderstandings.
It can fill the partners with guilt and the feeling of sabotaging their relationship.
The habit of engaging in unhealthy arguments in a relationship can damage your future relationships, too.
Thus, it’s essential to learn to keep unhealthy arguments in a relationship under check.
Here’s how you can do it.
How To Keep Unhealthy Arguments In A Relationship In Check
You can do the following things to ensure there is no more than one unhealthy argument a week with your partner.
Check Compatibility
Check your compatibility with your partner.
If you see two very different people with different objectives in life who are not ready to struggle or compromise, it’s better to part ways early.
Do Not Keep “Scores”
Do not keep “scores” of your partner’s mistakes, as they can pile on the agony.
Release resentment by talking to your partner directly or maintaining a resentment journal.
Spend Quality Time Together
Make a habit of eating, watching a movie, or reading books together. You can also go out on romantic dates more often to enrich the chemistry.
According to many relationship experts, spending more time together reduces the chances of resentment and unhealthy arguments.
Communicate Regularly
The importance of communication in a relationship, especially in overcoming unhealthy arguments, cannot be emphasized enough.
It serves like a single candle that can cut across the darkness spread by unhealthy arguments in a relationship.
Take One Topic At A Time
While communicating in a relationship, it’s essential to stay focused on the topic of discussion.
Failing to do so can distract partners, causing chaos and confusion, which can easily trigger unhealthy arguments.
Agree on a “Cool-Down” Rule
Even healthy arguments may have moments of charged emotions and heated exchanges. In such circumstances, it is crucial to have a “cool-down” rule.
Remember the “Pause” rule between Marshall and Lily in HIMYM?
So, whenever you notice the discussion turning into frustration, decide to take a 15-minute break.
Develop Mutual Respect
If there is one central cause of unhealthy arguments in an argument, it’s a lack of mutual respect between partners.
An unhealthy argument cannot occur if you choose to stay respectful to your partner during a discussion.
So, make it a point not to disrespect your partner even when you feel they are disrespecting you.
It will extinguish your partner’s frustration and, thus, the unhealthy argument.
Practice Restraint
Controlling your emotions during a discussion is equally important.
Unhealthy arguments will lose steam if you know how to control negative emotions such as fear, anger, frustration, jealousy, etc.
Listen Intently
Listening in a relationship is not an excellent quality for no reason.
It pushes you towards a healthy conversation naturally and waters down unhealthy arguments.
Unhealthy arguments cannot find footing in your relationship when you are aligned to listen more than speak.
Talk With Kindness
Kindness is not only a world peace strategy; it can also be a great relationship strategy.
When you have nothing but kind words for your partner, unhealthy arguments cannot enter or threaten peace in your relationship.
Even when you have complaints, use “I” instead of “You” statements to prevent sounding critical.
Be Grateful
Not everyone gets a loving partner and an envious relationship.
When you show gratitude for what you have, unheated arguments will seem childish and unnecessary.
Become A Better Partner
No relationship or partner is perfect. But we can continually improve by working on our weak areas.
When you become a better partner, unhealthy arguments die a natural death!
Always End With A Resolution or Reconnection
As a couple, whenever you and your partner start a conversation, make it a point to end it on at least a satisfactory note.
Make sure you are at least where you began the discussion.
There is no point in a discussion if we come out of it behind where we started, right?
Doing these impactful yet straightforward things can ensure unhealthy arguments stay within healthy limits in your relationship.
Is It Normal To Argue In A Relationship Every Week?
It is normal to argue in a relationship every week, including indulging in an unhealthy argument, provided it does not drag on too long.
Communication is a “Relationship Genie. ” Make it a point to use it only for the right purposes. Use it to strengthen the bond with your partner and take your relationship higher beyond the stars!
FAQs
Why do my partner and I argue every week?
Nobody likes arguments, especially ugly ones, but they can be seen as “necessary evils” in a relationship. If you and your partner argue once a week, it’s healthy. Arguments help you lay down ground rules in a relationship, which helps both partners and the relationship. So, arguments may seem painful, but sometimes, you need them.
What does a healthy argument look like?
A healthy argument is one where none of the partners feel disrespected. It is intense but not heated. It’s like two mature people trying to figure out the right thing(s) to do. So, the focus is not on complaining or blaming each other but on finding the best possible path ahead. Ultimately, you feel satisfied, optimistic, and clearer about the issue.
How often is too often to argue in a relationship?
Carrying out one healthy (planned) and one unhealthy (unplanned) argument is considered acceptable and even healthy. Healthy discussions can go up to five if manageable, but unhealthy ones should be kept in check as they can spread toxicity in the relationship. Even too many healthy discussions might get overwhelming and turn into unhealthy arguments.
At what stage do couples argue a lot?
Couples argue the most in the “Power Tussle” (4-15 months) stage of a relationship, which falls between the “Honeymoon Phase” (0-3 months) and the stage of “Emotional Maturity” (beyond 15 months). Partners argue a lot in this stage because they are trying to establish the relationship’s ground rules according to their individual needs and suitability.
Should we break up if we argue all the time?
Constant arguing can be frustrating and overwhelming for partners in a relationship. It might be a significant indication of the incompatibility between them. If you think it’s a compatibility issue that can’t be fixed, it’s wiser to part ways. However, if you believe the reason behind the arguments is misunderstandings that can be resolved, wait and work things out.
How do you break an argument cycle?
Both partners should agree to a “Cool-Down” rule to break the argument cycle. When you feel the discussion is going into the “heated” or the “distracted from the topic” territory, take a break of 15 minutes or so. If your partner isn’t on board, apply it independently to avoid unnecessary stress.
When do you know a relationship is over?
A relationship is over in two scenarios: first, if there are clear compatibility issues between you and your partner that can’t be worked on; second, if the differences between you and your partner in essential matters are uncompromisable for either of you. If your personal principles are more valuable than the relationship, you should choose the former with conviction.
