Do you want deep conversations with your boyfriend, but feel ‘He shuts down when I express my feelings?’

If so, you are experiencing something most women endure in a relationship.

Shutting down in a communication while in a relationship is a problem almost every man faces at some point in time.

Some do it purposefully, while others don’t even realize they are doing it. Some men shut down in a relationship communication without understanding why they do so.

So, whether you are a woman or a man, this article will help you immensely. 

I will tell you what shutting down means, its signs, why it happens, its effects on partners and the relationship, and what you can do if your boyfriend or husband shuts down when you express your feelings. 

Let’s begin by understanding what shutting down in a relationship conversation means.

What Does ‘Shutting Down’ Mean?

Suppose you feel that your bond with your boyfriend is losing its sheen. You realise that you no longer hug, hold hands, or spend quality time with each other. 

You care about your partner and relationship and want to recover what you had. So, you decide to express how you feel about the current state of the relationship with your boyfriend.

You hope your boyfriend will say they agree with you and want to rebuild the relationship, too. It might lead to both of you deciding how to achieve the common goal.

But what happens is that your boyfriend says, “I don’t think anything is wrong with us. It’s just how relationships become after a time. I don’t think we need to do anything about it apart from getting used to it.”

It may be a common response men give in a relationship, but it’s not genuine.

What they are trying to do here is to slide something crucial under the carpet.

They are “shutting down” by invalidating your feelings when they should have acknowledged the issue and agreed to find a way out together.

Thus, shutting down in a relationship conversation means your partner does not want to explore or discuss your feelings and abruptly cuts short a critical discussion.

But ‘being invalidating’ is just one way men shut down in a relationship conversation. 

Several other signs confirm that your boyfriend shuts down while you talk about your feelings.

Here are some of them.

Signs Your Partner Is Shutting Down When You Express Your Feelings

Agreeing To Everything You Say

If your partner agrees to everything you say or suggest, it doesn’t necessarily mean they agree with you.

It could also mean they are trying to end the conversation by giving you fake validation.

Getting Defensive

If you tell your partner how the relationship is weakening and they start getting protective or argumentative, it’s a sign they are shutting down.

They might have initiated the argument to distract the conversation from the main issue.

Taking It Personally

If you point out a positive change that your relationship needs, such as talking to each other respectfully, but your boyfriend takes it personally, it shows that they are shutting down.

Taking things personally in a relationship conversation can distract from the main issue and blow things out of proportion.

It signifies shutting down and an intent to discourage you from revisiting the issue ever again.

Giving Weird Facial Expressions or Body Language

Suppose you talk about your feelings or something important about the relationship, and your partner makes weird faces or looks in the other direction to indicate he’s not getting you. In that case, he is, in all likelihood, shutting down.

He may not be getting you at all or trying to avoid a difficult or uninteresting conversation with you.

Not Listening Intently

Active listening is the foundation of effective communication in any relationship. It’s an essential requirement to take the relationship to the next level.

However, listening is also a complex skill that takes time and effort to develop.

If your partner doesn’t listen to you intently when you try to communicate your feelings, they may be shutting down.

So, see if your partner is actually listening to you or just pretending to be.

If you constantly notice these signs in your boyfriend when you talk about your feelings, recognize instantly that they may be shutting down.

But why do men shut down when women talk about their feelings or something that will make the relationship better and stronger?

Don’t they, too, want the relationship to grow?

The answer to this question isn’t that simple.

Let’s find out why men shut down in a meaningful relationship conversation.

Why Do Men Go Silent When You Express Your Feelings To Them?

Social Conditioning

Men aren’t very good when it comes to expressing themselves or understanding the feelings of others. 

They are much better at ‘Doing’ than ‘Talking’ or ‘Listening.’

They Don’t Know How To Respond To Feelings

Men are neither good at expressing feelings nor do they have the experience to deal with them. 

Even if they understand your feelings, they do not know how to be soft or comforting in response. They may do something very surprising and wrong when they try to respond to someone’s feelings.

To Avoid A Difficult Conversation

Even when men know how to understand or respond to someone’s feelings the right way, they might shut down to avoid a difficult conversation. 

They find it easier to avoid the conversation than to give complex answers, which might trouble them.

To Avoid Any Additional Stress

A man’s mind is always loaded with thoughts from all corners of his life. So, he avoids inviting any additional stress by talking about your feelings (which he is already not good at).

So, to maintain his inner peace, he might tend to shut down in conversations about how you feel about him or the relationship.

To Avoid Any Added Responsibility

Discussing your feelings or ways to improve the relationship requires additional planning and effort, which men often tend to avoid.

Men prefer being in the moment and taking things as they come.

So, until they feel a genuine issue in the relationship, they may tend to shut down in conversations.

To Avoid Unknowingly Hurting Their Partner

Many men are very kind, empathetic, and considerate of their partners. 

So, knowingly or unknowingly, they don’t want to hurt your feelings. Instead of saying something that may hurt you, they choose to stay silent in conversations.

Whatever your boyfriend’s intention may be, shutting down when you express your feelings isn’t healthy. It negatively affects both you and your boyfriend, stagnating the relationship.

Adverse Effects of Your Boyfriend Shutting Down When You Express Your Feelings

It Damages Your Self-Worth

When your boyfriend shuts down instead of listening and positively responding to your feelings, you feel unwanted.

If the situation lingers, it can harm one’s self-esteem and lead to questioning whether the relationship has a future.

You Start Feeling Lonely

When your boyfriend shuts down while you express your feelings, you feel neglected and alone.

You feel like the only one who wants to improve or grow the relationship.

You want to be heard, understood, and validated, and when it doesn’t happen, you tend to start hiding or trivialising your feelings, which is not healthy.

Your Boyfriend Becomes Emotionally Unavailable

One way communication improves a relationship is by allowing individuals to share their emotions. If your feelings aren’t consistently received and validated, your boyfriend will become emotionally unavailable. 

And when a relationship suffers an emotional breakdown, its foundation weakens.

It Virtually Makes The Relationship A One-Sided Affair

A relationship cannot run long if only one partner is committed to working for it.

Thus, your boyfriend must stop shutting down and start engaging in meaningful conversations with you.

The Trust Factor In The Relationship Dips

Trust in a relationship is built on deep, honest conversations. 

Thus, if your boyfriend shuts down whenever you talk to him, it will slowly erode the trust that currently holds the relationship together.

The Communication Bridge In The Relationship Breaks Down

Regular communication is essential to keep any relationship strong and moving forward. And communication is a two-way street!

So, if your boyfriend is in the habit of ignoring your feelings, it weakens the bridge of communication and threatens the future of the relationship.

The repercussions of your boyfriend shutting down when you express your feelings are deeper than they seem.

So, to protect your emotional health and maintain a good relationship, you will need to find ways to stop your boyfriend from shutting down.

How To Stop Your Partner From Shutting Down When You Express Your Feelings (Step By Step)

Do Not Give Up

The first thing you need to do is not to give up on your partner or the relationship.

Giving up without trying means facing the same challenge in subsequent relationships.

So, instead of letting go of a valued relationship easily, choose to save it.

Do Not Give Silent Treatment

The answer to your boyfriend’s shutting down isn’t giving him silent treatment. 

Doing this will only weaken the relationship further, and you will also end up on the wrong side.

It will always make you feel you sabotaged the relationship, even though you didn’t initiate it.

Consciously choose not to use a tit-for-tat strategy for your partner.

And anyway, relationships are about love and not revenge.

Do Not Complain

Do not complain or criticise your partner, either.

Complaining will worsen matters and create frustration within you, which won’t help the cause.

Therefore, show restraint and remain determined to resolve the issue patiently and wisely.

Let Them Know

Politely tell your boyfriend that you feel he shuts down when you talk about your feelings. 

Request that he be mindful of it and explain to him how it hurts you emotionally.

Remember to be to the point for the highest impact without engaging in a long conversation that might confuse him.

Give Gentle, Timely Reminders

If & when your boyfriend shuts down again in a conversation, calmly point it out.

What this will do is give them utmost clarity regarding the issue.

It will give him a real opportunity to improve, and you, a genuine possibility of overcoming the issue.

Tell How It Affects You

Tell him exactly how you feel when he shuts down while you express your feelings.

Again, remember to be precise and spontaneous.

Tell him something like, “When you shut down while I’m talking about my feelings, it hurts my self-esteem, which is very important to me.”

If he respects and values you, he will understand and start showing improvement.

Tell The Current State of the Relationship 

In subsequent instances, tell him clearly where the relationship stands and how far it is from becoming unbearable.

It will give him an indication of the relationship entering the threatened zone.

Offer Help

You can also offer help from your side.

So, tell him that you are always there if he needs your help.

There may be a deep communication issue with him due to a complicated past, which might be triggering the shutdown.

When you offer help, it also includes taking external help in the form of therapy.

After this, you can be assured that you have done everything possible to save the relationship.

Provide Feedback (If He Shows Improvement)

If your boyfriend shows improvement at any stage, give him honest and timely feedback.

Tell him what he did right and how he can improve further.

It will motivate him to move ahead on the path of improvement.

Give A Final Warning

But if he doesn’t show satisfactory improvement, it’s time to remind him one final time.

If he values the relationship and doesn’t want to lose you, he will finally make the most of this final opportunity.

Move On

If your boyfriend still doesn’t show satisfactory improvement, it’s time to move on.

Remember, your self-worth and emotional health are much more critical than any toxic relationship.

So, move on in life without any dissatisfaction or guilt within you.

A much better relationship and your soulmate are waiting for you.

You Are Invaluable

If communication in a relationship isn’t perfect, there are ways to overcome the challenge.

But if your partner shuts down consistently and doesn’t value you or the relationship, you should not waste time with them.

Invest your life in a relationship with someone who values you by giving you the love you deserve!